marco paz's

(i am taking a week long break from email, facebook, twitter, etc. if you need to get a hold of me, i'll still have my phone on. i wrote this while in the airport yesterday)

i am sitting in the airport, awaiting my flight to seattle for my final spring break as a college student. i felt like a child on christmas eve last night as i continually woke up checking my cell phone to see if it was time to leave or not. i'm very excited about this trip because i'm going to see friends i haven't seen in years but also spend quality time with my older sister who is currently in the midst of wedding planning. i am also excited about this trip because i have been very stressed and discouraged lately which has caused me to be more aware of my need for Jesus but also my battle with depression caused me to enter in a temporary time of darkness.

in the times of dark depression where i struggle to find joy, it is difficult to see how this is an experience that is part of God "working all things together for our good." my struggle with depression took on some new lows over the last month, as i truly felt beat down and downtrodden. slowly and graciously, God pulled me out of this time, it was like in the sky after a storm takes place and the sun is piercing through the storm clouds.  a quote by oswald chambers that has been floating around the online communities i read,  helped me put this trial into perspective: "Before God can use a man great, he must wound him deeply."  this quote has not left my head for a couple of weeks now.

as someone who calls himself a christian, i am saying to the world around me and myself, my life and identity belongs to Jesus and that i am a child of God. one of the difficult and areas i don't fully understand of my new life is being disciplined by my heavenly father. many times recently i have cried aloud to my Father asking him why is this trial taking place, because it hurts like hell. however, what i am finding out more and more is that it is through his discipline, he shows his love for me. he is doing it to show me how deep his love for me, because he had to discipline the One who went through so much more pain and suffering than i will ever receive. i recently re-read this verse in hebrews which really put things into perspective:

Have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?

--Hebrews 12:5-7 ESV

 
here's a couple of things that i am planning on doing while i'm on vacation:

-stay offline
confession: i'm online all the time. it is like i have an iv to the internet hooked up to my arm at all hours of the day. since i do not watch a lot of television, the internet is my way of unwinding and letting my mind relax and recharge. in order to  truly enjoy my time while i'm gone, i am going to be offline from email and social media. it is going to be hard but i think it will be rewarding. it is only for one week, but i think it is a small step in being able to being able to use my time better.  in the times that i will be offline, i hope to accomplish the following things:

rest: the combination of stress and depression has caused me not to sleep well in the evening and be a tense indivdual. i hope to recharge and relax while i'm up there in seattle.

laugh: i try to laugh often and frequently, however i have not lately. it might seem like a trite goal to force myself to laugh, but forcing myself to loosen up and have joy has become difficult, but slowly but surely, God is working inside of me to show its okay to laugh and have fun. i think Nietzsche said it best when he said the following: “Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter.”

drink: all good things come from Above, including what we drink. i've been told there alot of good places to get a great cup of tea, coffee and a pint. i am eager to see what seattle has to offer in these categories.
 
read: i love books, but have not made time to sit down and enjoy a good book. so since i'm going to be offline, i brought three books that i hope to read page to page while i am gone this week.

Jeeves omnibus
pg wodehouse has a way with words that has always made me laugh, no matter what i am experiencing. i picked up this book for $2 at goodwill recently and i think the inscription that someone left in the front of the book that puts it nicely, "...Enjoy, it's okay to laugh outloud."

John Newton: From Disgrace To Amazing Grace
i love reading biographies and i've benefited greatly from mr. newton's writing time and time again, not just his hymns. i know his story, but i have not read this particular biography on him.

A Million Miles In A Thousand Years- Donald Miller
another confession: i have a literary crush on don miller. i love his down to earth writing style and storytelling ability. two areas i wish to grow in my life. i've heard great things about this book and i cannot wait to read it.

think: i know this sounds silly, but in the hussel and bussel of life, it's good to think and reflect where you've been, in order to prepare for where you are going. as an upcoming college graduate, i am going in an unknown world when i graduate. there are many things that God has brought me through and it is to make into the man i am today, but also preparing me for the man i will be.

play:  how is it that as adults, we think that only children are allowed to have time to play? i do think there should be time set aside for recreation, but finding the opportunity to do so, is hard. instead of engaging in child-like playing, my sister fiance is a gamer. not video games, but board games. on saturdays, they go to a game store and play board games for most of the evening. i am pumped about this, because play time has been neglected.

dream: i like..er love to dream. dreaming is a good way for me to allow my imagination to unwind and unravel. but also, it helps me put into perspective many things i feel passionate about. many times they are unrealistic, but slowly, i am trying to dream realistic dreams.

jesus time: in my times of stress and depression, my prayer life has grown, my scripture reading life has not. they are to go hand in hand, and as someone who says that i want to be a teacher of God's word, i am to be consistent about my time with Him, not just speaking, but also listening to his word.

please be praying for me as i embark on this week, it's going to be a great week as i gain excitement with each passing moment, pray that i find my rest and joy in Christ, but that also i am a blessing to everyone i'm up here.

grace, peace and love to all,

paz